Hardcore Romantic

Lockdown 2020 is pretty good for a person who like cute-romantic series. I end up watching The Middle and let me tell you, this series is hands-down awesome! 

The characters, a story of 5 and how the family is the most important relationship of all. Well... I have so much to say.. I will save this post with a date - June 8, 2020 - DLF phase 2 Gurgaon house. As nobody is reading my blog so I guess it kind of awesome to mark all the important dates. What say? 

Well.. yeah! The Middle - good watch if you love your family. Well...duh! Who doesn’t? 

Oh! BTW I will keep filling the blog with all the post dates so that When I read them after 5 years.. i have something to look back upon. 

Starting tomorrow... i’ll be writing down and making an entry of my past good things. 

No more in the middle! 

Why does it hurt so much?

Hey blog! 

Look what a damn good year I selected to revisit/revive my blog... 2020. Eh?! 

All those - Coronavirus, cyclones, work-from-homes, #blacklivesmatter - we are surviving... haa! (Is this haa or huh? What should be the right expression?) Anyways! We all in the middle of so many things (fortunate that we all are still alive/ unfortunate for those who aren’t), I am really looking forward to going back in time. 

A time where : 

1. You used to receive long emails from your friends and not your Amazon order details or so many stupid newsletters to those you never subscribed or at least you remember subscribing them. 

2. You don’t have the need to have long meaningful conversations... (not at least with one person). 

3. You can run to your parents house without worrying about all your-wifey duties. Well, it’s entirely the fault of this patriarchy system or the upbringing. Cause, S doesn’t give a hoot about me being in the house or not. May be it’s entirely your guilt cause you never saw your mom living her dreams. 

4. You can download Tinder without being judged. Or afraid about what if S’s friend see me there? 

5. You can go back to reading books not because you have to pretend but because you genuinely like reading them. 

6. You can just feel loved... (real those romantic ones - soulful) NOT bollywoodish. Puke! 

7. You can go back to your failed diet or exercise routine. No matter how much time you fail, you still go back; thinking you can do it this time! 

8. You don’t have to pretend to be happy. You can be one naturally! 

9. Lastly, you cannot be HURT! No matter how much rock bottom you hit, you’ll come back with same smile and enthusiasm. 

Well, there are a few oddly written ‘Wheres.’ But I guess I have this much for today. I will sleep tonight (basically this morning) with this thought that someday, every thing will return to normalcy and the heart won’t ache so much! 

Till then, sleep tight, people! 

We’ll survive this 2020! 

Present

In 5 years, would we wonder how we were back then in our early 30s? Would we seat around at a coffee table with all the 20s and may be 15s hovering around us in skimpier clothes? Would we just sip our wine and champagne and talk about how life has changed for good after all?

Talking about this, with my girl best friends, D just said, we were and are living our age. Are you? Did we? Or Will us? Nobody knows, but I hardly remember being 25 anymore. I don’t remember the dreams I had back then. I don’t remember the wishes either. Or any other things I care about quite really. All I remembered, I have gained a bunch of friends and I am proud to tell that they are my friends. Be it Preeti, Annie, Dubey, AM, Sanju… then I moved on, and met set of two more wise women, Shelly and Chitra. Then I got married to this MAN, still unknown to me at times. However the life seems to be perfect. I don’t need anyone else by my side. For now.

Talking about things of the future, nobody knows really what is going to happen. Certainly not me. All I know life cannot be more perfect than it is right now. 

A funny thing.. a heart break!!! A funny thing..... friendship!!

This is going to be my unedited, grammatically incorrect post. May be or may be not. But who cares? At least I don't. Period.

Yes! I am writing. I am writing again and this time after two years, for another two years. May be. Who knows?

In these two years, I have had my share of heart breaks. It has pained so much and I have been saying this repeatedly that the pain was excruciating. The heart break has been haunting me day and night. The more I want to let it go the more this feeling gets synch in to the system. Making it wrench even more than the last time.

Why this happened? It is because of a Novel I have been reading. A sequel of The (In)eligible bachelor, I do! Do I?

Its like torturing yourself knowingly. No! Its not about the novel. I have loved every bit of it. Loved it to the core. However it has provoked me to think. Provoked me this much that I am writing a post about it.

Interesting!! Isn't it? After reading an interesting paragraph in the novel about being in Love, I wrote to Him.

"Hmmm.. how do I start this? I haven't talked about it since July 29, 2012. I didn't wish to start this again either. I have completely ignored it and thrown out of the system. I have decided to never ever mention it again to anyone, specially to You.

I have put myself again in a kind of situation today. I was reading a novel, (ohh!! I bought a whole new lot. BTW). Yes! I have been reading and it suddenly felt right (or wrong may be) to share my heart with you.

One side of mind tells me to shut up and wind this up and strangulate my throat before uttering a single word. I know this won't go anywhere. And another half is screaming at the top of its voice to make myself very loud and clear. I shut up my fickle mind.  Here is what I want to say:

When we love someone, we knew it ever before we know. it's like your soul hears your heart before you hear it. Love reaches somewhere deep inside us long before it becomes apparent. Being in love with you has made it apparent. Despite trying hard to ignore you, hate you and put you out of the system completely. I still find myself, hopelessly in love with you. Yes! you heard it right. I still do. I am still in love with you head over heels.

I have to be truthful to someone and I don't have anyone else but you to share this. I cant get over you. I just cant. Everyday a part of me is trying to fight, show and prove it to myself that I can handle this. However I am unable to. I am unable to flush you out. I don't know why. It may be because I fell in love at a wrong age where its so difficult to get over the heart break."

Message sent on whatsapp and the night revolved around those two blue ticks. Huh!! I loathe you Whatsapp!! You son of @3$$%$##

The moment I shared this message with Him, I instantly checked last seen time of SS. In this whole world I know, SS is the only one person I can be brutally honest with. I shared the message with her with the hope that she wont read it right now. I din't want to talk to anyone about it. I wanted to let the moment pass.

The moment I sent the message, she came online, read the message in a jiffy and instantly sent the reply to me. "Awwww! I can understand.."

I know she can. I know all my girl friends can. I know I can too. Sometimes, we just chose to ignore. Despite living in so much knowledge, we chose to ignore. We all know, Ignorance is bliss. May be.

She listened to me patiently. Letting me whine for no reason. Letting me be me. The feeling of letting it go started dwelling in again. I resigned it to the fate again. As they say, lets just give time some time. I gave time some time yet again. I dint cry. Yes! I dint. The tears have also dried up now, they don't even come out of eyes, forget about rolling down to the cheeks.

The night passed as if there was no night at all. I woke up or I might have not slept a single minute. The dark cloud that has hovered around in the night disappeared suddenly. The sun seemed to be more clear. My room has a little access to sun rays, yet it was shinning bright.

Sometimes, its good to just vent out. Its good to share your heart out with two of your best friends, Her and Him (he is also the person I am in love with). Its good to be yourself, at your unadulterated best. Its just good for a more clearer vision...

This leave you.. A little more mature... a little more wise..

(P.S. - In the morning, I thought she will ask me about my mood. All she asked, what time I slept?
I told her about the "words of wisdom"  the enlightenment I had in the morning and and the time I slept.
She, as expected, asked me with a profound scolding, what were you doing till 4:00 AM? Wink. Wink.)

Funny things... these friendship and these break ups!!!