Calm and Chaos

And I stepped into the chaos of city, the hustle bustle of running a house, a partner whose antics is beyond my comprehension… I am feeling alone, not lonely, but alone, as I miss the noise of people I love.

Landing in this quiet, where I can hear the clock ticking, the steps of help roaming in the house, an unfinished series which I can now watch on TV rather than on my phone.. I feel a little empty inside.

I have returned with a full heart and pretty sure, I am unsure where to place it. 

The one who can hold it, keep it safe, is far away in a foreign land, the one who are here who can put a bandaid to it, are moving away… 

That feeling may not make a lot of sense.. to coming back from warmth, people, noise… to a pause can feel unexpectedly hollow. 

They want me to come along and take a vacay with the girl friends.. I dont know what I am scared of, I don’t know what holds me back.. Between these departures and still open plans that didn’t happen, I sit with a quiet I didn’t ask for.

Everyone is somewhere, and I’m here, holding the aftertaste of togetherness.

Countdown to 40 starts in 9 days!

Well, I survived a party yesterday.

Even though it was my partner’s school reunion, I still don’t know why I was f… happy? I devoured 6 G&Ts or was it 5? Sixty mls each in the system… you do the maths! Also, a few drags of puffs made the evening torturous by the end. Someone who used to happily chuckle… vomit-free since ’93 (How I Met Your Mother dialogue), but actually vomit-free since a dreadful car ride in 2016… well, that story later.

While I have been a two-drinks person this whole year, or max three, I think I got carried away in the rush of meeting and talking to people after years. There was no one at the party who didn’t know ‘TinTin’ aka my husband, Shashank. And I realised one thing—people introduce themselves with their name and say, “Nice to meet you” or “Pleasure to meet you.” Just by a handshake, a slight smile on your lips, and direct eye contact - do you remember this person at your next meeting? Maybe a faint recognition of the face, but the name for sure? Not!

How about introducing someone like—meet Richa, and she likes to have 5 G&Ts when she’s happy. If the other person won’t remember my name, I guess they’ll remember the experience. LOL!

Having said that, I have never been a resolution person. I don’t remember when was the last time I kept one, maintained it, or followed it to the T. Nothing of that sort is going to happen in 2026 either. I am just turning 40, not becoming a helluva new person.

Now, the countdown begins and here’s what I plan to do: short trips (UNPLANNED) with girls, because we all fuck up planned trips; give a good six months to my health goals and try achieving a scale by 17th September so that I’m not only celebrating my 40th but also proud of my physical goal achievements. I will DEFINITELY limit my drinking. And like last year, when I bid Rajnigandha goodbye, this year—2025—smoking (all kinds) is also on its way out. No peer pressure, no retort to the company I keep (in fact, I’ll encourage the company I keep to quit too).

Now that I’ve eaten practically everything I’ve been meaning to eat for a long time this month, I’ll also be mindful of whatever I put in my gut. No more cheating, no more cutting corners, no more procrastinating. I will also resume my ukulele learning classes so that I can strum on my birthday. :-P People attending my birthday will be in for a melodic good time. LOL!

Did you notice that all these are my personal goals? Nothing professional or academic has been marked here. Today, I had a meeting with the DEI team, and the first half of the year looks promising with good stuff in our kitty. How long that will sustain, God only knows or the loser CHRO (in one sentence, I managed the good and the evil both). Ha ha ha! But professional goals are running side by side, with a lil LinkedIn here and there. I’m just hanging in there and don’t want to overpromise (very unlike me, and I’m sure P would agree to this).

This 40th year of Richa Goel will be something she should be proud of …exactly a year later, today, on December 22, 2026.

Until then, I’ll keep writing and keep sharing the tick marks! 😉

The Apple and Me

You know what’s my favourite fruit? 

Nobody asks those slam-book questions anymore and you don’t even bother to notice either.

I don’t remember asking this to my parents or my partner either. But today, when I was unwell, Annie told me to have stewed apple for energy and to soothe my sore throat.

Funny enough, while I was stewing the apple myself (because honestly, it felt like more effort to explain it to Vimla than to just do it), I realised something: I’ve always loved apples. They have been my comfort fruit, always! 

Not that I go crazy when I see them at a hotel buffet or a marriage reception. But apples have always been my go-to fruit. They are fuss-free, available in every season, everywhere, and still easy on the pocket.

Isn’t that how I am too? A little apple-like in life. No fuss, no tantrums, just there when needed. 

Like they say, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” I’d like to think I’m that kind of apple too… comfort for many. The messages from friends, family, and office colleagues checking in on me when I fell sick felt no less than a blessing.

And one thing is for sure .. a few people will remember this apple 🍎 (:-p sentimental thoughts courtesy of 100+ fever!). I know I will be hurting a lot of people with this line and will get an earful but no gyaan here!

But here’s the funny thing about adulting. In my teenage years or even in my 20s, I would proudly say that Asha Bhonsle and Kishore Kumar were my favourites and that no one could match them. 

Now that I’m closer to 40, I have realised Lata Mangeshkar is the OG. There is no harm in agreeing with what the majority also says… I don’t mind having the same opinion as herd. 

Or like my favourites are Jagjit Singh, Gulzar Saab and then, my taste for Ghalib developed in last couple of months. 

Even for, food.. I have been experimental. I have tried mutton and liked it. People used to say, real meat lovers would prefer mutton over chicken. Well, I don’t know whether I would pick either but that taste was something my palette held well. 

Also, whisky and scotch became a latest add on too, leaving behind my G&T legacy. 

Earlier I used to think, having a different opinion felt like being “special.” 

But now, with age, I don’t mind being part of the crowd, adopting what the majority of us do and love.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped needing to be different for the sake of it. I no longer mind being part of the collective, embracing what the world also cherishes.

Maybe that’s what adulthood really does…  it softens the edges. It teaches us that being unique isn’t always about standing apart.. sometimes it’s about standing with. 

I guess that’s what being apple-like really means:

- Simple, but still holding its own.

- ⁠Not exotic, but timeless.

- ⁠Not rare, but dependable.

- ⁠And even if everyone has tasted it, each bite can still feel personal. :-P 

Maybe that’s what I have become too.. an apple after all. 🙂

The beautiful change

I choose words from your vocabulary and use them all day long – at least, in language – we are one!

I remember things about you I shouldn’t remember, what you wore on Wednesday, when we started talking, the way your eyes are the perfect shade of greyish brown, the way your hair look different every time, your moving of hands while talking, your everything and everything about you!

It’s strange how you’ve become a part of my everyday.. in my thoughts, in the way I notice the world, in the pauses between my sentences. Sometimes, I catch myself smiling for no reason, only to realise it’s because something reminded me of you.

You live quietly in the little things… just yesterday, you were the song playing somewhere, or the way I like my coffee now, or how I’ve started liking things I never did before. It’s like you’ve left pieces of yourself with me, without even trying… without even saying! 

And maybe I never said it out loud, but being around you feels like home, so warm, calm, and full of a thousand little moments I never want to forget.

You’ve changed something in me. The way I feel things now has more depth. I notice beauty more, I pause more, I feel more. It’s like you’ve slowed time just enough for me to truly live in it. I never knew someone’s presence could do that… your presence could do that! 

There’s a quiet courage in me now; to speak, to care, to be real. Maybe because you made it feel safe. Like being myself wasn’t something I had to earn, just something I could be. That’s rare, and it’s everything.

Even on the hard days, just a thought of you softens something inside me. You make the world feel a little less heavy, a little more possible… a little too easy to deal! 

In your quiet, effortless way, you’ve made a home in me. 

And even if I never find the perfect words to say it, just know that something in me changed the day you walked in and it’s the most beautiful change I’ve known.

That’s my way, Mahi Way!

Bachpan se mujhe serials dekhne ka bahut shauk tha, may be woh shauk mummy se laga tha.. ab 90s mein bhi Mummy Swabhimaan VCR pe record karke dekhi thi.  

So.. you can imagine, TV ka keeda toh mujhe kaatna hi tha. Main jab 20 saal ki hui toh TV pe YFilms (Yash Raj ka TV production) ne kuch revolutionised content nikala. baakiyo ka mujhe pata nahi, but mere liye woh content bahut manaye rakhta tha.

Aaj bhi agar main poochun, toh shayad hi kissi woh serials yaad honge but jahan logon ne woh wala Era dekha yah suna nahi, maine shayad jeeya hai.. & that's an old page from my diary, I keep visiting!

 Woh TV pe you know “content” dekhte dekhte main kuch bahut content (hindi mein sukhi) ho jaati thi and apni hi ek duniya bana leti thi.

Aisa ek serial joh main shayad 15-16 saalon baad bhi apne aap se nahi nikal nahi paayi hun.. was Mahi Way. Mahi Way was a story of a 25 years old, overweight girl whose dad was supportive, a brother and sister (well like any other siblings) and a Mom who gives marriage a big importance in life, rather an achievement. 

Over achiever Behan and Judgmental bhai ke beech mein.. office crush se le kar, apne neighbour ka aapse bachpan se pyaar hone tak.. woh serial ne mujhe Delhi se and apne aap se pyaar karna seekha diya. 

She was an agony aunt column writer in a magazine, who used to probably solve third world problems in a jiffy. Being bullied for weight, being supported by best friends and having back of the father was something I could relate the most.

I was always an obese kid (well, I still am) and till certain years ago, people did not look me beyond my weight.  

With multiple boy friends, a heart break because of weight, and in a quest for love … Mahi started to love herself... something I did. I had my share of heartbreaks and unlike Serial, neither my best friend fell in love with me nor my ex boy friend came back to sweep off my feet.  

Despite, facing many challenges.. Mahi did not give up on herself nor on her dreams; just because she was supposed to get married to the most eligible bachelor in town.

Well, I could relive all the 25 episodes of that series in my gut. I have cried, I have laughed and in my brain.. I have given hundreds of answers to people who demeaned me. Inspite of having an epic sense of humor, my confidence was always a low key.

But, then the serial changed something in me. I dont know.

Should I give the entire credit to “Mahi Way” or to those multiple failed relationships, that taught me something... or the support of my friends, of my partner or of my family, or the biggest supporter of my life - me, myself!

How you see me today, was not the same Richa I used to be. I used to hide behind my best friends too, did not have confidence to swim in public, even for small portions of food.. I had to justify that I don't eat that much.

A hundreds of tests, a thousands of judgments, a millions of judged eyes I have passed through and reached here, where I am today! And I am fucking proud of it.

As they say, you cannot change the people around you, but you can always change the circumstances... I did change it and own the bitch called life!

To that 23 something Richa, if I could ever go back in time.. I might have stopped her from making some mistakes, made her learn the best of everything and showed her that life is beyond rejections, heartbreaks, falling in and falling out of love.

All this while, looking for mere wala ishq, joh mujhe ab mujhse hai!

Just like Mahi - I have my own lessons to share, my own heart breaks to deal with, my own people to fell out of love for.

The crush you think was love, was only a crush, the dream job you thought you had, wasn’t probably your dream job... and the person you made plans to be with it, wasn't THE ONE either. 

Toh kya hua, that life did not move the way you have planned it. So what, that the 38 year Richa is still stuck somewhere between 23 year old one.. 

The real struggle is to find yourself, in the chaotic and the silent world, that's the real deal. 

And, the sooner one realises it, learns it, the better.. after all, that’s what they say, that’s the way, Mahi Way!

P.S. - Following the same tradition of watching "Mahi Way," once in every 2-3 years.I watched last episode aired again and the flashback of entire series ran through my mind, telling me why I fell in love with myself, in the first place